***We interrupt this regularly scheduled Blog for a Breaking Story! Stay tuned to “An Angel’s Island” for all updates as they become available. We will return to your regularly scheduled Blog… sometime in the spring, perhaps.***
Monday night, August 27, 2007 is a night I will have etched in my mind for the rest of my life. It is the night I found out I was pregnant – for the 4th time.
I had a sneaking suspicion that something might be up so I went to a pharmacy and picked up a home pregnancy test and planned on doing it later that evening after Mike went to work. Honestly, I thought I was just late. We had a scare a few months ago back and that’s all it was: a scare. I know my body and I know when I ovulate. People think I’m nuts, but I do. Every time we wanted to conceive it happened on the first try. I can tell you to the hour when I am going to ovulate. Makes it pretty easy to “schedule around” considering I stopped taking birth control two years ago when I turned 35.
This is why I knew we were “safe” in celebrating Mike’s 40th birthday. I was four days away from ovulating. No problems. Later that same day I was suddenly panic-stricken. I had a twinge in my side that I knew all too well. Could it be? No way. I’m as regular as Santa Claus on Christmas Eve – there is no way. I attempted to put the thought out of my mind for the next couple of weeks and actually did quite a good job at it. We were busy camping and enjoying the day trips we’d taken on the weekends as a family.
By Sunday the 26th it hit me like a ton of bricks. Uh-oh. No visitor yet. This isn’t even funny. I have been pregnant 3 times and I have one child. I don’t have the best track record in the world. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 9 weeks, my second pregnancy gave us our wonderful boy, Matthew and my last pregnancy resulted in my daughter Emily being stillborn. Matthew is going to be 11 years old. Can I even entertain the thought of starting all over again? Panic set in once again.
Well, the only way to know for sure is to go get a test and pee on the stick. I was sick to my stomach. I went to a pharmacy that I never go to hopeful that I wouldn’t run into anyone I knew. I got what I had to get a got out as quick as I could. I even sat in the van and opened the test, tore the box into a million pieces, hid the test in my purse and ditched the evidence in the garbage can in the Drive Thu at Tim Horton’s. I was a mess. I could almost feel the test burning a hole through my purse all afternoon. I messaged Shelley (all4them) and asked her if she’d be around this evening if she could turn MSN on. I didn’t tell her why. I just knew I needed someone there, but not really “there” if you know what I mean, when I looked at that test.
I had planned to wait until Matthew was in bed, but fortunately for me I didn’t have to wait quite that long. He ended up sleeping up at my Mom’s that night so once Mike went to work I was alone. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I made every excuse in the book to procrastinate and not go pee on the damn stick. Finally at about 8:30 or so I did. I took the test and laid it on the table face down and wouldn’t look at it. I signed onto MSN and started talking to Shelley about this and that and nothing in particular. Then I explained to her why I asked her to be online. She was over the moon with excitement…lol and I was scared beyond scared. We talked a bit about the “what-if’s” and my biggest what-if was what-if I am? How can I tell Mike after just turning 40 with an almost 11-year-old son that we’re starting all over again? Can I get through a pregnancy emotionally and mentally after everything we went through 5 years ago? We said that was it. We said we were happy with Matthew. We resigned ourselves to the fact that it was going to be just the three of us and now there is a possibility that we are going to have a baby?????? It was too much. I was freaking out. I had to calm down, I had to get a grip and I had to trust that everything happens for a reason. AND I had to look at the test.
That means positive.
That means ….. I am pregnant.
I start to shake as I type the news to Shelley. She’s so excited! I’m completely dumb-founded. I’m shaking like I have never shook before in my life. This is too much to digest. Our entire worlds are about to change. I’m having a baby!!! (A brief surge of excitement.) Mike. Oh good grief, Mike. What is he going to say? How am I going to tell him? Is he going to be mad? Is he going to be upset? Is he going to be happy? Is he going to tell me everything is going to be okay? Shelley convinced me that I had to go out to the fire station and tell him tonight. By the time he got home in the morning I would be gone to work and this just can’t wait. I called him, told him I was bored and that I was on my way out with a coffee (bells and whistles all went off here, as I have NEVER done that before).
So I get out there and give him his tea and we sit there in the dark watching some stupid 1970’s cop show on TV for a little while. I’m going insane. How am I going to bring this up?
“Sooooooooooooo……I’ve got some goop!”
(“I’ve got some goop???” You’re pregnant and you’re telling your husband and you say “I’ve got some goop”???????)
“Let me guess, you took a home pregnancy test and it’s positive?”
All I could do was nod my head, yes. He stretched back in his chair, put his hands up to his forehead and laughed like a fool (after he said a little Holy ****). For the longest time we sat there in silence. I was chewing on the edge of my coffee cup and Mike was just stretched back in his chair looking up at the ceiling. I wish he would say something. Anything. Yell, scream, holler, freak out, something…just say something….tell me it’s going to be okay, because that’s really what I need to hear. Finally he breaks the silence by telling me to make a Doctor’s appointment first thing in the morning to go get a “real test” done and that whatever happens, we’ll deal with it together. Well that was better than yelling and screaming I suppose. I left him by himself at the fire station and drove home to be by myself. I think we both just need a little bit of time to let this all sink in.
As the next few days and subsequent weeks passed, the initial shock and disbelief started to wear off and I started to get quite excited about a new baby. I was absolutely terrified about having a miscarriage but we had come to terms with the pregnancy and realized that we have been through a lot as a couple over the last 16 years. There was obviously a reason for this. Our plans are not always THE plans. There was obviously something that we are still meant to go through – be it good or bad. There is a reason for this. I’ve already gone through 2 losses, hopefully now I will get my second chance at happiness – my second child. Surely I did not become pregnant to go through another loss? Unfortunately, only time will tell.
September 10th while at work I started to experience moderate-severe cramping. There was no bleeding, but I was a basket case. No one at work yet knew that I was expecting and I intended to keep it that way as long as I could. I went home “sick”. I hoped that if I just lied down for a while I would feel better, but as the afternoon went on the cramping stayed pretty much the same. I picked Matthew up at school and dropped him off at Mm’s and headed up to the Emergency Department. After a 4 hour wait I see a doctor who doesn’t even examine me, but says that she would put a requisition for an ultrasound and that I should hear in a couple of days. If I had been bleeding they would have done the ultrasound right there. So now I get to go home and think of all the possible worst-case scenarios that I can conjour up. I stayed home from work the following day and the cramping had gone completely. My abdomen felt as if I had been coughing uncontrollably for days or like I had been vomiting a lot. Almost like pulled muscles – and still no bleeding, which was the best thing!
Wednesday I contacted the hospital to see if the requisition had been looked at. She put me on hold and when she came back she said that I could come in the following day.
So that’s what we did. Other than being an hour and a half behind schedule (and having to empty my bladder and start all over again) things went really well. I had developed a friendship with the radiologist who discovered everything with Emily and I happened to see her walking down the hall while we were waiting. She was thrilled that we were expecting and made sure that I was to tell the technician to go and get her when she was done my ultrasound. That made me feel better. She knew how anxious we were and I knew she would tell me the truth about everything.
Before hubby was able to come into the room the technician did show me the heartbeat! I was almost jumping off the table. So far so good. The radiologist came in and said that everything looked great, and I was right on with my dates that I gave them. The yolk sac was perfect and the next time we would see our little babe. Mike was in by this point and I think for the first time he actually realized, that yes, this is it. We’re having a baby!!
That was two weeks ago and here I stand (or sit) at 9 weeks, 3 days pregnant. I feel like crap more days than I feel good, but my sister is quick to remind me that this is a good thing.
We told Matthew last Saturday which, in turn led to everyone knowing. We explained it to Matthew in a way which may not be too conventional, but knowing our son and how affected he was by the loss of his sister; it was how we felt we had to deal with it.
We told him we were trying to make him a big brother again and that we had a baby growing inside my belly and that we hoped everything would go okay this time. He started to cry. They were good tears, he said. He was genuinely flabbergasted and told me he could feel his heart “bumping”, and he wanted me to feel his chest. His little heart was just a booming! He came over and felt my belly and told me he hopes it is a sister and that “this one survives”. I got filled up myself at this point and told him that I hoped so too.
Once he got himself together we told him that his first job as “Big Brother To Be” was to let the grandparents know. Mike’s Mom is visiting relatives out of province, so on the phone he gets to her. It was too cute. “Nanny, I have something to tell you. Are you sitting down? No Nanny, you have to sit down. Are you sitting yet? Now I don’t want you to be stressed because this is not a bad thing. It’s a good thing. Are you ready? I’m going (he gets all filled up and starts crying again) to be a big brother. Mom’s pregnant!”
We could hear her squeal from the other end of the phone. Of course, she was shocked and concerned but let me tell you; a happier grandmother could not be found.
Now for my parents. Into the car we get and land at Mom and Dad’s only to find Dad NOT home. Well, we can’t very well tell Matthew he has to wait, that would never work, so he goes through the same spiel with my Mom who is sitting at the other end of the kitchen table not knowing whether she should believe him or not. She looks over to me and I nod my head to her that’s he’s telling her the truth and I know she didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Once she realized what was going on she too was over the moon and shocked and concerned all at the same time. She said it was about time for another baby in the family…lol. Dad arrived not too long after and the same scenario played out and low and behold, is that a little tear I see in Papa’s eye? Daddy’s Girl is having a baby! Over the next few days Matthew took it upon himself to make sure everyone in the neighbourhood knew and the news started travelling quickly!
Because of my age (I just turned 37) there are some extra tests that I am encouraged to have because I am an “older mother” (good grief). It will require me travelling to the same hospital 4 hours away where I gave birth to Emily. They will be doing blood tests and a high definition ultrasound. We have decided not to have an amniocentesis done. I’m not totally comfortable with it and they can see what needs to be seen by other methods anyway. I have an appointment with my Doctor tomorrow to discuss when this testing will be done. It is recommended between 11 and 14 weeks, so we had best get a move on.
Hopefully, this will be a joyful journey and I look forward to sharing it with you. It’s going to be an interesting one, for sure. Nothing’s ever easy with us, as you’ve seen. This means renovations and starting from absolutely nothing in the “baby stuff” department. Hang on, cuz it only gets better from here, I can feel it!!
Until next time…