…and let me tell you, yesterday was the worst one in a while. It doesn’t matter why or what happened, the fact is yesterday I felt hate and I don’t feel that emotion very often. Yesterday I hated autism. Yesterday I hated what autism has done to our world. Yesterday I hated autism so much that I couldn’t see past it to realize I wouldn’t hate it today. I allowed myself to cry and I gave myself permission to reach out for support. I needed it and I knew that if I didn’t I would wake up still hating autism today. Yesterday was my once-a-year-whether-I-need-it-or-not boo-hoo session. There are no words with enough thanks to convey to my support system how much I needed you (all) there beside me yesterday. I reached out to my on-line family and I was fed turkey soup and tea by my “you-get-it” girl.
So today I have to rebound from the hate. Today I reflect on a statement that was said to me yesterday that I have said a thousand times myself : You wouldn’t change him for the world.” That is 100% truth. Although I don’t like the struggles that my son and we, as a family, have faced over the last number of years there are many more positives than negatives.
Autism Matthew has opened our family’s eyes to be more accepting, less judgemental and open to learn about differences. Autism Matthew has given me patience beyond anything I ever thought I could be capable of displaying. Autism Matthew has taught me to stop and smell the roses, watch the clouds floating by, marvel at the caterpillar spinning his cocoon, and jump in the puddles after the rain. Autism Matthew has made me laugh by seeing the world in such a matter-of-fact way. Sometimes life really is black or white. Autism Matthew has expanded my world to include nature, animals and our environment teaching me that I can do a lot more than I ever gave myself credit for. Autism Matthew turned this city gal into a country bumpkin. Autism Matthew has allowed me to reach out and help others who also travel a similar journey. Autism Matthew has introduced me to an amazing team of people who will be part of our lives forever. Autism Matthew always keeps me on my toes. You never know what’s around the next corner. Autism Matthew has made me a better person. Autism Matthew has taught me more than I could ever teach anyone else.
But perhaps more than anything else
autism Matthew has shown me that it has to be about Matthew first and foremost. Matthew defines autism for our family. Not the other way around.
I’m entitled to have an off day but overall I can’t hate autism and love him because they are all part of the same package. Yesterday was a day of seeing the “it” not the “him”. My glasses are cleaned and focus is returning.
Until next time…