Good Days and Bad Days

Holy cow! Where is the time going? Days are turning into weeks and time is just flying by. I don’t mean to be negligent, and really I have no excuse other than I guess I’m just being too passive these days.

I can’t believe I am working my way towards week 18 with my pregnancy. We’re almost halfway there! Unbelievable! Do you realize there are only 35 days to Christmas?? Okay, let’s try no to hyperventilate!

First thing first – I am doing great! I had my second appointment with my OB on Thursday and all the test results came back wonderful! The IPS blood work was negative, my PAP was clear, the ultrasound reports were clear and it’s all clear sailing!

In the 4 weeks since my last appointment I gained 5 ½ pounds (for a total of 12 ½ pounds since finding out I was pregnant), my uterus measured at 13 cms and the baby’s heartbeat was 160. All in all a very good visit!

In 3 weeks (December 10) we will be heading back to Halifax for my 20-week ultrasound. I’m really excited about this because as it stands now we are going to take Matthew with us. I’d love for him to be able to see his baby brother or sister during the ultrasound.

He is so involved in this pregnancy. It’s totally different than when I was pregnant with Emily. He was 5 years old then and I don’t think he really understood what was going on but he certainly does now. (He was in my bedroom the other day while I was getting dressed and asked me if that was “extendable underwear” that I was wearing! Good grief!) I told him that I have been feeling movement and he is so excited about being able to feel the baby kick for himself. Hopefully by Christmas time his wish will come true!

Speaking of Christmas I had a busy weekend. I now have about 95% of my shopping done and the two trees are up and decorated. Two trees? Yes, I have my “pretty tree” upstairs in the living room and Matthew’s tree where Santa Claus leaves the presents is down in our rec room. This was the first year that I can remember Matthew being really involved in the decorating. I had the Christmas tunes blaring and him and I had a great time on Saturday decorating the tree upstairs. He amazed me with how many of the Christmas songs he remembered the words to. It was lots of fun.

On Sunday Matt and Mike took on the task of decorating the downstairs tree while I attended a Tea and Sale with my Mom and Mother-in-law. I arrived home to find supper cooked and sat to a wonderful meal. After supper hubby informed me that he was doing the dishes and I was to go have a nap. What a guy! How do I repay him? By being an absolute moron. Let me explain.

Got up from my nap and came downstairs to see how the tree looked. Matt decorated it with just a little help from Nanny. He was so proud. The tree looked fantastic! I was so proud of him. Then I turned into Jekyll and Hyde. I turned around and looked at the basement. It looked as though a bomb exploded in the rec room. There were Rubbermaid containers everywhere; there were strands of lights and empty boxes from one end of the room to the other. There was a bunch of Matt’s toys scattered everywhere. To say I lost my mind is an understatement. I yelled, I hollered, I went ballistic. All in the presence of my son, but 100% directed towards my husband. As I was screaming I knew way in the back of my head somewhere that there was no need of me going on like that. I couldn’t stop. I went on and on. Matthew became extremely upset and Mike got really mad at me. Finally, I snapped out of it. Matthew was crying and wanting to run away and Mike was blown away by what had happened. He got Matthew to bed as I sat in the rec room and cried myself silly. An hour later, Matthew was still awake. I went up and tried to tell him that everything was okay and to go to sleep. All he was worried about was that I hurt the baby. I told him that the baby was all right. I came back downstairs to find Mike cleaning everything up. He didn’t speak a word to me, nor I to him. I was listening to music on the TV and had tears running down my face the entire time. Finally at 10:30 I went upstairs and went to bed. I cried and I cried until I was sure I’d dehydrate. I didn’t sleep a whole lot.

When I got up this morning Matthew was his cheery, bubbly self and not a word was said about last night. Mike was talking to me but I could tell that it was only for Matt’s sake. I went to work feeling like crap. I didn’t hear from Mike until 1:15 pm, which is very unusual, but I couldn’t blame him. I didn’t want to call him because what I had to say couldn’t be said on the phone. I’d take care of this after work with my 2 boys.

I got home from work to find Matt having supper and Mike doing the dishes. I asked Mike to come sit and the table and once I knew that Matthew was done eating I told them both that I had something to say. I apologized for my behaviour. I told them both that there was absolutely no excuse for the way I acted last night and I wasn’t going to try to give them one. What I did was wrong. Period. I am very fortunate to have the wonderful family that I have and I treated them both like dirt last night. I told Matthew I was sorry for scaring him and promised him that he would never have to go to bed like that again. I would never go on that way in front of him ever ever again. I took advantage of them and again, that was wrong. I have a husband who would (and does) move heaven and earth for me. I’ll be the first to admit that I totally take his good nature for granted sometimes and that’s definitely something that I have to work on, big time.

Mike told me a little while later that he appreciated what I did by sitting them down at the kitchen table more than anything. It was just what had to be done. I was wrong. There’s no way around it. When I’m wrong I have to say I’m wrong. I have to accept responsibility for my actions. I have to teach my son by example, and show him that yes, even Mom can make mistakes. Everyone is human and everyone messes up from time to time. I hope he will someday realize that it’s okay to mess up. It’s how you handle yourself afterwards that’s the important part.

The lesson I learned? That my family loves me unconditionally; that I am human and I will have my moments and that when you’re wrong, it’s okay to be wrong and it’s better to admit that you were wrong and accept the consequences, be them good or bad.

I have a wonderful family. I am truly blessed.

Here I am last week at 16 weeks 2 days

About angeloftheisland

Welcome to An Angel’s Island. I’m Tracey (aka angeloftheisland). I’m also Mom to 19 year old Matthew who constantly keeps me on my toes. He’s our “special” boy who shows us daily how he deals with the world of ADHD, a Nonverbal Learning Disorder and Asperger’s Syndrome. He’s my hero. Marcus is 8 and reminds me everyday that he’s in no way going to make the school years boring for his Dad and me!! I’m also wife to Mike for 25 years now. Mike is my best friend and soul-mate and he has showed me over the years, that yes – dreams do come true. Our life may not be the most exciting but there’s always something going on. Welcome to our Happy Place, newly renamed Hilliard's Happy Hideaway. I hope you enjoy what I’ve shared about our family.
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