Let’s See If I Can Get Through This….

**I’ve been negligent.  Trying to get caught up here to bring you up to date on our summer…

without crying here at work.

It’s just more of the same ‘ol same ‘ol but magnified.

Matthew had 2 major meltdown since Sunday. He woke up in a mood Sunday morning (not enough sleep), we were supposed to get family pictures done (which didn’t end up happening) and he wanted nothing to do with it so he had a knot in his face before we found out they were canceled. Saturday night I asked him to clean the basement as he had “cleaned” out his closet and left more stuff out around the basement than he cleaned. It was a mess and he’s big and ugly enough to clean it up himself. I don’t have to go behind him. He didn’t clean it so Sunday morning Mike TOLD him to get down over the stairs and have the basement looking the way it was when he started off his cleaning. He gave a flippant comeback and I got upset. I’m tired of the constant talking (barking) back and always having a snotty tone to his voice. I told him he wasn’t a kid anymore and he could be doing a lot more to help out around the house – especially with HIS stuff. Anyway, voices were getting higher and I told him to get down stairs (the windows were opened and I wasn’t finished “talking” yet)

So he’s going downstairs and he screams (I mean SCREAMS) at me “GET OUT OF MY FACE!!!!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!! I SHOULD JUST LEAVE!!!! WHY CAN’T YOU EVER BE HAPPY??????” I saw red. Mike came down the stairs. Matthew was screaming and hollering uncontrollably. Mike told him to calm down (and now seeing that he was into a fullblown meltdown (and I was close too) I stepped back. He said to Mike “I told you to get the “F” out of my face!”

:(

Mike was much more in control of the situation than I was so he calmly talked with Matt to try to bring him around somewhat. I left the room completely once I had realized how bad he had gotten. He was left to himself to calm down for about 30 minutes.

We went upstairs and I just cried and cried. Mike told me he was really scared that Matt was going to hit me. He was completely out of control.

Later on once we were both calmer we tried to talk to Matthew and it’s more of the same thing again and again.

He’s stressed, he’s confused, he feels like no one understands him, he doesn’t know why he acts the way he does, he doesn’t mean to, he’s sorry, he misses Brayden (his best friend – they had a huge fight Friday night and still haven’t spoken), he doesn’t want to go to the new school, he’s bored, he hates it when Marcus gets in his stuff, he hates the hair on his privates, he hates the hair on his legs, he hates that his voice is changing, he wishes he was still a kid, he hates the way he feels inside and on and on and on and on.

So then I tried to talk with him about the way he spoke to us when we asked him to do something. He said “Well, I was only standing up for myself the way you taught me to. You taught me that if I didn’t like the way I was being treated to stand up for myself and not be pushed around.”

O-M-G…………………………..

And this is what living with a child who has Asperger’s boils down to. They don’t “get” social rules. YES we taught him that and YES he does have to stand up for himself when he is being treated in a way he shouldn’t be. BUT (and I so don’t like having to say BUT after I say something – it kinda negates everything I just said) when Mom and dad, or a teacher or someone of “authority” asks you to do something you don’t have to stand up for yourself. You have to respect and do what you are asked. I told him that the only way he would ever have to stand up for himself with Mom and Dad or a teacher would be if they (we) were doing something to hurt him or if we asked him to do something that he knows is wrong – and I could be pretty sure we would never ask him to do anything like that.

So after all that he lost it again. he’s so confused with the way rules change and he can’t keep it all straight and he doesn’t know “how” he’s supposed to act. At that point I just had to drop it and let him go “be” for a while. We were both exhausted.

Then yesterday evening more of the same. from the minute I walked in the door after work I had attitude. Eyes rolling, tome of voice, the whole bit. Mike asked him if he remembered anything at all that we talked about on Sunday. He said yes and that he didn’t even realize he was being saucy and rolling his eyes.

And the thing of this all is I believe him. I truly and honestly believe that he doesn’t realize this is how he is reacting because picking up on social cues from people is all a part of it too. He broke down again and called himself a “[censored]” and a “moron” and “I hate my life” and “I hate being stupid”.

********sigh********

Guys, I’m exhausted. I’m mentally and emotionally drained. I feel like I could seriously just walk away. I don’t have a clue as to what else I can/should do. I have done absolutely everything (tears are starting here) I can think of. I don’t know what else to do. I’m still waiting on the pediatrician. I called our family Dr this morning and he’s just back from a week’s vacation and I can’t get in to see him until next Thursday.

This is devastating to watch your son go through something like this within himself and not have a clue what else I can do to help him. He’s miserable, we’re miserable and no matter how I try to get through to him I can’t.

I’m losing perspective and rationale very quickly and I feel like I’m ready to snap.

OK, have to go fix the make-up before anyone comes in.

Sorry so long……..

About angeloftheisland

Welcome to An Angel’s Island. I’m Tracey (aka angeloftheisland). I’m also Mom to 19 year old Matthew who constantly keeps me on my toes. He’s our “special” boy who shows us daily how he deals with the world of ADHD, a Nonverbal Learning Disorder and Asperger’s Syndrome. He’s my hero. Marcus is 8 and reminds me everyday that he’s in no way going to make the school years boring for his Dad and me!! I’m also wife to Mike for 25 years now. Mike is my best friend and soul-mate and he has showed me over the years, that yes – dreams do come true. Our life may not be the most exciting but there’s always something going on. Welcome to our Happy Place, newly renamed Hilliard's Happy Hideaway. I hope you enjoy what I’ve shared about our family.
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